Goodbyes

I said goodbye today: to my home; my family; my friends; the place that shaped me.

There were many goodbyes, but there was one nagging pull in the periphery: I hadn't been to the barn to see my friends, Orlando, Kerry and Barbara. More specifically I hadn't finished things with Smokah, the horse that I have been working with since October.

Right before bed last night, after setting my alarm for 4:30 a.m. to get on the road early, I thought to check my e-mail one last time. There it was, the explanation for my feeling of unease regarding Smokah. An e-mail explaining that she would be humanely put down the following morning at 8 a.m. Her general health has been in flux for quite some time, but this was something I didn't expect so soon.

I slept fitfully, hearing conversations and running from unseen discomfort throughout the night. I woke easily and filled the car with the remaining odds and ends and hurriedly drove to the barn. Arriving at 7:52, I was so relieved to walk into the barn and see Smokah in the small arena, surrounded by those that have loved and worked with her. She was very calm, and seemed resigned.

Brushing my hands over her shoulders and muzzle, gray fur lined the wrists of my sweatshirt. I kissed her, and had to exit the arena, it was too much. I said goodbye to my friends from the barn, and am so grateful that I had the chance to see Smokah. My mom called me later that morning, as I was driving through Lovelock, Nevada, she recounted to me how she had just woken from a dream: Smokah was running alongside my car, we were off to Wyoming together, watching out for eachother along the way. She was finally going out to pasture. After my 8 hour drive through the desert today, I'm now ok with this goodbye.